One of the many enriching experiences of FGC Gathering was attending an interest group entitled "Spiritual Hospitality," hosted by Martin Kelley*. I spoke a bit about my experience in my Meeting, and about a chapter entitled "Hospitality" from Amazing Grace: A Vocabulary of Faith by Kathleen Norris. She writes about the concept of Hospitality from the perspective of Benedictine monks, who have as an element of their Rule that "all guests who present themselves are to be welcomed as Christ." That resonated so with me when I first read it, and it is a phrase that I have come back to again and again. We as Quakers say we recognize that of God in each person, yet I am not the only Friend who has at times felt, well, less than welcome in my Meeting. I have, over time, been enfolded into the tender care of that Meeting. However, recent conversations with several attenders have reminded me that not everyone has access to this care. So how do newcomers join the community? What is the Meeting's responsibility to attenders?
I did not expect the Meeting to chase me down the street and beg me to become involved. I also realize that Friends are anxious to avoid proselytizing. But when a person shows signs of wanting to deepen their involvement beyond attending Meeting for Worship, it ought to be easier than it often is. When subgroups (attenders, youth, young adults, gay/lesbian/bisexual/transgendered, disabled, Christian, nontheist, friends of color, etc.) feel excluded, I think this reflects the general health of the community. Members of a centered community will be secure and solid enough to offer hospitality, to treat each person who enters the door as if they are Christ.
This all came to a head for me as I was considering the State of the Meeting Report. In our Meeting, we typically address this by allowing time during Business Meeting to speak from the silence on the life of the Meeting during the previous year. The clerk uses this to draft the report. I was contemplating how attenders fare, how I say the same thing every year, and how nothing seems to change. I just couldn't bear another year of this! I was moved to draft a proposal for the care of attenders and took it to the Accessibility and Inclusiveness Subcommittee (0f which I am a member). They enthusiastically took it under their care. The ideas that we are implementing so far are to make nametags for all members and attenders, to institute regular meetings for attenders (3-4 times a year), and to issue personal invitations for attenders to our annual picnic (this was taken up by the Marriage and Personal Ties and Hospitality Committees). This is all very new, so I can't report on the impact of any of this, except to say that it has provoked both caution and excitement. It's been a good lesson to listen to the concerns of Friends expressing hesitation over various suggestions, while not allowing it to dampen our enthusiasm. And many Friends seem energized. I truly think that the Meeting intends to be welcoming, but there hasn't been a structure in place to facilitate that. So the challenge is how to put enough structure in place so that it isn't all about an individual's pet project, but not so much that it becomes a burden for the Meeting.
I'm curious about how this plays out in other Meetings, and what experiences Friends have had in negotiating that vast gray area between visitor and member.
*Okay, I'm far too lazy and/or too much of a Luddite to make this into a cool link-- so I encourage you to click on Quaker Ranter on my sidebar.
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6 comments:
Linda -- Welcome back. I trust we'll hear more about your experiences at the Gathering & your trip afterwards. (And thanks for the many photos from the Gathering you posted on flickr.)
I'm curious how your meeting identifies and keeps track of such attenders in order to invite them personally to a picnic or other event. When they tell or ask someone how to get more involved, that's one thing.
But short of that, shat are the "signs" that they want to deepen their involvement beyond meeting for worship? And what about those who might attend MfW but haven't expressed an interest in committee or other work? How would you identify them?
In our meeting -- and I would suspect at yours, too -- we get a lot of people who visit once & that's it; or they come infrequently, but consistently over a long period of time. They look familiar, but it'll be weeks before we see them again.
Many sign our guestbook where they can request to receive the monthly newsletter, but that may do that even if they never come again. We've no consistent way to identify that so-and-so has been here three of the last five weeks; this is especially difficult where we have two well-attended meeings on First Day (about 40-50 at 8:30 and 75-100 at 11 am).
If we could identify and track them, perhaps we could add them to an "attenders" list & invite them to events such as you're suggesting. So I wonder how you do it?
(We do make & wear nametags, mostly, and though some grumble [including me at first] they do far more good than harm & I'm glad we do.)
And I'm glad you acted on your concern; often inertia or lack of imagination are the real culprits, and all it takes is one Friend to take the lead and others will follow suit (to us a care-playing metaphor).
Hi Linda,
It was nice meeting you at Gathering and I'm so grateful that so many Friends came to the afternoon Outreach sessions. I certainly learned a lot through them.
So: you're thinking of becoming a NAME-TAG MEETING? It's funny how there is some sort of divide between meetings that do and don't have nametags (advantages & disadvantages to both, of course).
I would only say that what the meeting needs to do is not so much create the infrastructure of welcome-ness but the culture of friendliness. I've been a part of meetings that had visitors books, welcome tables--yes, even nametags!--but were cold to newcomers. I've also known individual Friends who were just amazing at hospitality, who would notice new people and go up to them and engage them. Many times these Friends were acting under no authority other than curiosity and charity! This ability to be so welcoming is a gift and whenever we're lucky enough to have a Friend like this in our meetings, it's a gift to the community.
Friends are getting more aware about nurturing gifts of the ministry in our memebers once more; what would it look like for a meeting to nurture gifts of hospitality?
The answer might well be in the kinds of structures you mention (esp. for large meetings). But the big goal should be transforming the meeting culture--as you say to have this become a burden of the meeting. Or perhaps a gift of the meeting?
(I found your blog after Paul mentioned it in the shape note workshop at Gathering)
I've started attending a Meeting nearby. One thing that they do that I have found very welcoming is having two members stand outside to greet people as they come in. Last week I was in the library and somehow didn't get into Meeting before they closed the doors. These two waited in the foyer with late comers until the children came out--they stood in silent worship, which helped me center before entering the Meeting.
It was a nice touch.
Hi everyone,
Thanks for your thoughtful comments. I hope to hear more...
I started to reply, but it is getting so long that I think I will make it a post.
Hmmm... Good questions, Linda! I once did chase an attender who had run out of our meeting. However, he had been coming for a while, so it's not like I was proselytizing!
He had tried to deliver a message about how unfair it was that Jesus had been arrested and tortured, but it was too much for him and he broke down, then sat back down and cried. I went over and sat next to him and put my arm around him as he sobbed.
Another Friend, dealing at the time with some weighty sorrows of her own, thought this person was one of the occasional street people who drop in our meeting. She told him that it was okay to cry, but he would have to do it in another room if he couldn't stop. Well, after a couple of times her repeating this, he bolted.
I just knew it was wrong for him to leave that way. So I chased him. Two other Friends came with me. One of them stayed at the Meetinghouse, once he realized there were three of us. The remaining two chased him down Market Street for at least three very long blocks.
Our Friend kept saying, "Oh, it hurts too bad, it hurts." He crossed 9th Street without looking, against the light, and almost got hit. Finally, I asked if he wanted us to stop chasing him, and he said yes. So we did. We told him he was welcome back any time and to go in peace.
A few weeks later, he did come back. And he's been testifying to Friends ever since, holding us to our highest standards.
Sorry to take so much space. Maybe I'll put this up as a post on my blog.
-- Chris M.
Tables, Chairs & Oaken Chests
Paul said "I'm curious how your meeting identifies and keeps track of such attenders..." Well, "keeping track" of attenders makes us sound much more organized than we are. My super-scientific method was to go through the directory and list all the folks that weren't members. Our subcommittee reviewed it and crossed off the names of anyone we knew for sure wouldn't be interested (such as the spouse of one of the subcommittee members). The bigger issue that Paul raised is, what signs are there that attenders are ready to deepen their involvement in the Meeting? Well, this is hardly an exhaustive list, but it's time for a Friendly gesture when people start showing up more regularly at MFW and events, when they stop bolting from the room at rise of Meeting, or when they get that lost and awkward look on their face during coffee hour. I can tell you that I hold dear the Friends who looked me in the eye, smiled, and made the effort to learn my name (or at least remembered we had talked).
And I can list them by name, because there weren't many of them.
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