Show Pity, Lord

I've been struggling with what to do for the coming school year. I thought for a while that I might be teaching reading to 4th and 5th grade students who are significantly below grade level. Then I had some interactions with our third and fourth graders that made me doubt I could handle them en masse. But when I thought about continuing as a reading coach, all I could think about is how much I ache to have my own group of students. Then I thought I might teach first grade, but was surprised to find myself in the midst of facilitating a grade level meeting, thinking "I don't want to leave this, just when we're starting to get somewhere."

All of this has made me a wreck. I know I'm losing it when I start losing things. Important, useful things that normally I don't lose. Like I lost my calendar on Sunday and found it on Monday; lost my lunch bag on Tuesday, found it today... Not to mention insomnia and barely averted accidents while driving. I should say that I know in my head that I just need to be patient, that I will have the information I need in time to make my decisions and meet all the deadlines for paperwork. I know that having a hissy fit because the copier jams will not make the copier work any better. I even know that getting frustrated with people for being true to character is a waste of energy. None of this is particularly reassuring. Rather, I just feel like an idiot for being so nutty.

I was sitting in meeting this Sunday, not really able to settle mentally, barely able to sit still. In between all my intruding thoughts, I did my best to pray for peace, for an open heart, that I might be faithful. Most of the meeting was silent, which I often find a blessing. But I couldn't settle enough to feel connected to God or humanity. The silence was just an opportunity for all my worries to gnaw at me. Then there was a message that wasn't so helpful to me and I half started to wonder why I hadn't stayed home. But at last there was some ministry that particularly spoke to my condition. Part of that message was that we ought not to worry so much about what to do, but instead to worry more about who we are and bring forth the unique gifts given us. I'm not sure exactly why I found this to be so moving. It's not a new idea to me. "Do what you are given to do" is a recurring message that comes to me when I start fretting. But I think I needed to hear the reminder of the abundance of grace. There is enough Light in all the world, and our work is to bring forth our own and encourage others to do the same. I think, too, that I needed to feel the presence of God, some "sure support against despair."

Cusseta
Show pity, Lord, O Lord, forgive;
Let a repenting rebel live:
Are not thy mercies large and free?
May not a sinner trust in Thee?

My crimes, though great, cannot surpass
The pow'r and glory of Thy grace;
Great God, Thy nature hath no bound;
So let Thy pard'ning love be found.

Yet save a trembling sinner, Lord,
Whose hope still hov'ring round Thy word
Would light on some sweet promise there,
Some sure support against despair.

lyrics: Erhart Hegenwalt, 1524; J.C. Jacabi, 1722
music: John Massengale, 1844

I've been drawn a lot to these kind of "forgive me, Lord" lyrics lately. I don't think I'm much of a wretch, and I'm always suspicious of self-flagellation. But still these words move me. My "sin" is that I lose faith so easily, start casting about trying to control what is not mine to control. And I know it, but can't help sometimes but to do it anyway. All I can do is be grateful when grace manages to break through my storming thoughts.